Lies estate agents tell

Generosities of the truth, from London estate agents…

“Garden”

A garden in central London is quite frankly irreconcilable with the rest of the country, and indeed PLANET’S, definition of a garden. A garden should be a pretty area filled with flowers and plants, a bird table and a shed, where you can invite friends round and have a barbecue without them laughing at you. Someone needs to share this with the estate agents of London.

Sometimes the “garden” is a miserable enclosure filled with gravel, around five minutes, three gates and an alleyway away from the house. Sometimes it’s a car parking space with a gate on it. Sometimes it’s actually a balcony with enough room to store a bin and a gas meter. Sometimes it’s a slim grass verge outside a block of flats with a bench, shared by all 65 people who live there. Very occasionally it is an area with space for a table and chairs and maybe even a plant or two.

But readers, nine times out of ten if an estate agent tells you that the flat has a garden, it is NOT a garden. It is a place to put a bin. And this is not the same thing.

“Ground floor”

Ground floor? How lovely. Yes please, I’d love to look round, I’ll meet you there at six.

Arrive. It’s underground. Excuse me but you said it was ground floor….?! Oh right you meant that it was near the ground. Nearer the ground than most flats actually. Very, very, very, very ground. The most ground you can get. IN THE GROUND. Ok good good great.

“Short walk”

If an estate agent tells you that a property is a short walk away from the nearest tube station, instead of using the phrases “adjacent to” or “opposite”, you can almost guarantee it is NOT a short walk away. Unless however you a member of the Yorkshire Rambling Society, in which case the distance, as with all distances under 15 miles, probably WOULD technically be classified as a short walk.

“We have a property that I think you’ll really, really like…”

This property has been sat on Stefan the estate agent’s desk for more than two months and it Just. Will. Not. Shift. Stefan isn’t even getting viewing requests any more let alone any OFFERS. In fact it’s had just one offer so far and that was from a couple who were only prepared to pay half the monthly rent. And that was only because Stefan had tricked them into looking round in the first place by suggesting there would be room for negotiations. There’s a housing shortage Stefan, why are you trying so hard?! Hmmm? WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT STEFAN?!

Stefan the Estate Agent played by model.

“This flat is stunning and in your price range”

This is probably not a COMPLETE lie, it might be stunning or it might be in your price range. But unless you have a personal wealth nearing that of Simon Cowell or Jeremy Hunt, it’s unlikely to be both.

“Good value”

It’s 2015 mate and this is Great Britain. Grow up, it’s not good value. Hashtag:housingcrisis.

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