Confessions of a lazy sloth


Here are some things that laziness makes me do:

The lazy-person-lean

Rather than getting out of bed to get something, reaching out so far that literally only one toe is left in the bed, all the covers are on the floor and the sheet has come loose.

Sitting on my bed in a towel for 4,000 years

I’ve managed to drag my lazy sloth body into the shower but afterwards can’t quite bring myself to get dressed so I just sit for an inordinate amount of time on the bed in a towel. Just looking around at things.

Leaving dishes to soak

You’re not leaving them to soak, you delusional idiot, you just can’t be arsed to wash them up now. So you pretend to yourself that leaving them in the sink is somehow magically cleaning them, when actually it just means Future Nicola (who always gets screwed over by her lazy predecessor) has to plunge her hand into a disgusting, freezing swamp of oily water with bits of food floating around in it to retrieve the dirty plates.

Using my phone instead of my legs

Texting a photo or link to someone sat literally one metre away from me, rather than moving across the room to show them in person.

The one minute snooze

Each night I’ll optimistically set an early alarm allowing me enough time the next morning for a leisurely cup of coffee, an Instagram-worthy breakfast and the chance to make my hair look slightly less like the infamous barnet belonging to Boris Johnson. Yet when morning comes, I’ll snooze and snooze until I can snooze no more, and THEN I’LL SNOOZE AGAIN.

Sometimes when things get desperate, I even set the alarm for just 60 seconds later. As if those 60 extra seconds of sleep will do anything other than make me miss my train.

When I finally arise, all I have time to do is get dressed in the first bizarre dress I grab from the cupboard, give my hair a token swipe with a comb and my teeth a quick brush before running full pelt out the door in a vain attempt to get to work in time.

“Would you mind passing me that…?”

This one winds my boyfriend up no end because quite often he is further away from it than I am. Luckily he rarely realises until he’s passed me whatever I was too lazy to fetch *insert crying with laughter emoji here*. Soz Gavin.



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