Mysteries I’d like to solve in 2014


1. Who is eating those little sachets of Silica Gel you get when you buy a new bag?

I mean somebody must be doing it, because the only thing written on the sachet is DO NOT EAT in capital letters. There are loads of things that you shouldn’t eat, like pens, and tulips but none of them come with a shouty warning on the side. The only conclusion I can draw is that somebody, somewhere must be eating the stuff. I WANT TO KNOW WHO. AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY.

2. Why are there so many Costas?

Everywhere you go in the UK there is a Costa within three minutes walking distance. And Costa is horrible. The coffee is bitter, there’s not even a particularly nice menu, and the selection of cakes and biscuits is weird. Who wants a massive custard cream biscuit? Or even worse a massive bourbon? And why are they everywhere? I live in Basingstoke and we have about 9. AN UNECCESSARY AMOUNT OF COSTAS.

3. Why do my neighbours leave their shoes outside their front doors?

It really upsets me, it looks untidy and makes the hallway smell cheesy. And it means that every time I have a guest I feel the need to apologise for all the shoes, and then have the same hushed conversation with my guest who will ask “Why do they leave their shoes in the hallway?”  and I say “I don’t know it’s really weird,” and then they make a ‘humorous’ suggestion involving swapping them round or putting shaving foam in them.

4. How can you ‘waste water’?

Sorry for being stupid, but isn’t there the same amount of water on the planet as there has always been? I’m paying for the water that comes out of the tap, and so surely that means I’m paying for it to be cleaned and pumped into my house. So what’s wrong with me using lots of it in my bath, or leaving the tap running while I brush my teeth? If I use the water, it doesn’t make it disappear – it’s still on the planet, and will rain back down somewhere else. Am I wrong? SOMEONE NEEDS TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

5. Who the hell likes Arcade Fire?

Why are they headlining Glastonbury, and is it just to wind me up? I’ve been trying to go to Glastonbury since I first heard of it in like 2004, and finally I get tickets and ARCADE FIRE ARE HEADLINING.

Eavis. Talk to me. What WERE you thinking.


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